Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


You know the saying, When It rains it pours!
Well the truth is that when it rains I get shyted on.

Been out of the office a lot also. This won’t last long so I am trying to enjoy. Someone told me I hadn’t been posting long enough to take breaks

Ex-wife/baby-momma is delivering blows left and right. It is I all I can do to dodge and stay afloat. So I decided to write her a letter.

I know this sounds crazy but this is therapy of sorts. I write a letter expressing my feelings. I never mail it; just get it off my chest. I have from time to time written letters to politicians and others to express myself. I usually leave my number and suggest that they call me if they have any questions. I think I will start writing letters to George W. I am serious about that. That may reflect some kinda inflated ego or something but it really is all about therapy.


I hope you are well.
Understand that this letter to you is something of a last resort. I truly understand that we will never be friends or civil to each other. To that end I am sad.

See my thing is this I don’t hate you! You have caused plenty of problems in my life. The fact of the matter is I probably have been the source of many problems in your life. But I don’t hate you. I can say without fear of contradiction that you do.

If ever I offended, I apologize. If ever I erred, I apologize. Thirteen years ago I did not intend to cause you harm and thirteen years later I have held to that covenant. We are just different people. We don’t see eye to eye, and never will.

Whether what we were was love, or youth, or just foolishness is not the point. What we were produced one of my main reasons for living, my light, and my joy. You helped bring into this world my daughter. I can never repay you for that blessing. I hope the feeling is mutual.

But know as time distance and differences have turned our once exclusive love into this… this… this that begs for reason…this misunderstood existence that places us squarely at odds.

At odds for what we feel is right. For what we feel is best.

The question was asked of me, “Don’t I think people can change?” Yes people can! But unfortunately I cannot risk my light based on that belief. I can’t cast my daughter into those waters based upon your assurances that they are shallow and calm. I will test them for her. That is what daddies do. I am happy that you want to be involved now! I am excited about those opportunities that you will soon share with this young person, as she becomes an adult.

To my fault I may guard her selfishly. I may consume her time and attention to satiate my needs. But for so long it was just she and I. I suffered for her grace alone. I tended her needs alone. My life became a dual existence. I was at once a grown man, and a child with special needs. I learned to be both a mother and father. I learned to temper mercy with my hardness. For all of that I really do thank you. That beyond all other things as made me a better man.

Now it turns to this. Now you make demands and expect me to capitulate, as if you are the light exposing unfit and unworthy creatures that scuttle away into corners and creases in fear.

No, I doubt that is the case here.
If we can agree we will. I will try. We can both come to an understanding. But for the last 9-10 years we have not. I don’t anticipate that happening but for the presence of God.

She lives with me. She will stay with me. I am her father. In my book it holds just as much weight as your status. And in the end analysis, we are parents by the grace of god, and I am a father by my actions.

I want you to have every experience with Chelsea that you can, But not at her or my expense.

With much appreciation,

Closet Owner


  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger Gunner Kaufman said…

    Isn't it amazing how civil one can be when you dont have to look them in the eyes? The first part of the letter sounds like me and my ex-savage. I told her at the divorce hearing that i do not hate her. But I will do whatever I have to to get my kids, deal with my wrath. Good luck in the battle. It will be long and painfull...just remember, whats yours is yours if you claim it for yourself.

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger muffin said…

    i'm sorry to hear about the battle you're going through with your daughter's mother. for chelsea's sake, i hope the two of you can come to terms and make fair arrangements.

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger Dee said…

    wow. that was great!!! I have written several letters to my ex but he ALWAYS manages to have his own interpretation of the things I write. I have even let others read to make sure my points are clear and he still DOESN'T GET IT!!!



  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Icey said…

    Every time I hear or read about parents acting like the children they produced, it saddens me, no it makes me .38 hot that personal hatred can not be placed aside for the benefit of the child or children! It burns me up!!!

    My teen never knew how much I disliked her sperm donor until he began disappointing her. Even then I did not degrade him, I did not defend his actions but I made sure he was held accountable to her for those disappointments. Now that the most difficult part of guiding her and raising her is over, he wants to be apart of her life and can hardly understand why she is not gungho to be a party to that. She is now 17 and I can say with pride and confidence that she is on the right path because I and her step dad and of course by the grace of God, were there for the hard part.

    I will pray an earnest prayer for your strength and patience cause good lawd you are gonna need the patience of Job. I will also say a prayer for your ex-wife that she will stop thinking about hurting you but begin to think about what is best for Ms. Chelsea.

    Good Luck

  • At 10:53 PM, Blogger NeenaLove said…

    writing letters help me release emotions as well. that is the premise for my journals... and i have journals that go back to the 80's. yep... i have a documented account of more than half of my life.

    i've had my fair share of heart breaks as well. good luck on your journey.

  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger Schatzi said…

    ""we are parents by the grace of god, and I am a father by my actions."" Words have never been truer!

    Writing letters helps me as well. But I always pass them along. Good luck with this battle and I hope all works out for you in the end!

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