Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

One the Hard Way

I don’t know what I am doing wrong on the home front. Maybe my tendencies are just what they are. I have a plan on how this baby boy of mine will get his manhood. And to be frank it will be hard.

I have controversial topics of discussion with my in-laws. It is probably not a good idea, but I do it anyway.

A little back ground on this whole matter may be in order.

Nothing speaks of holiday cheer like a discussion between close families about gender bias. I was speaking only under severe wine overload but I continued. Before the night ended I alienated my wife, pissed off about two in-laws, and flustered myself out of my wine buzz.

I think a wine buzz is the best intoxication there is. It rolls on you slowly and maintains its presence for several hours. It never really drops you over the top but it keeps you feeling nice, warm, and well never mind.

Let me explain my position. I think, as a general rule, boys should be raised harder than girls. I mean boys should get fewer toys, do more work, and definitely at working age get a job. Conversely I think girls should focus on academics alone, and be spoiled a little more.
Why do I think this way? It is all a part of my male chauvinistic tendencies. Girls by nature in my book are more respectful, fearful, and more mature. Boys by nature are ungrateful, disrespectful, immature, and challenge authority. These are generalities painted with board strokes, but I think it all remains true.

Every female I have ever been in contact with on every different level had three things in common:
Self preservation
Will Power.
This includes doctors and hoodies. (I like that term). See women will survive. No matter what women do, they will eventually succeed. IF she starts working at Burger King, sooner than not she will be the manager. IF she starts college, she graduates in four years. If she works HR at a manufacturing company she eventually will run the company. If she has a sick mother, she takes her in. If her man is lazy she takes care of him. She will give of herself before she will let her kids suffer. I just have seen to many evidences of this to discount. We all have! Now I am speaking more of old school type chics. I still see this evidence in new school, but It is obvious in women my age or older.They have an innate mechanism that places them in a no fail zone.

I used to say that because women have "SEX" they should always have something in life, but after my daughter was born I quickly revised that philosphy.

Now on the other spectrum guys share two traits.
Sense of grandeur.
We guys have a “me first” philosophy as a whole. We have to mature into men before we can let it go. Still it is hard to choose between that private school tuition and that 42 inch plasma screen TV. But selfishness leads to ones own demise. It doesn’t foster strong relationship bonds and it’s really a set up for a false payday. We tend to want what we want when we want it. We can even get aggressive about it.
We have to be taught patience and a work ethic. And that lesson begins at an early age. If not you unleash a spoiled victim of society. Look to our prisons for many who never learned important life lessons. They still want everything for nothing. They still expect others to do for them

My daughter will get a care financed by her father. She will have a job, but her work schedule will not interfere with school. She will have a curfew.

My son will get his own car or pay a car note, and definitely pay his insurance. He will have a job, and he will have to handle school and work. He will have a flexible curfew.

All the mothers can really appreciate this by looking at their young children. Girls usually have strong social skills at an early age. They show more concern for the feeling of others. And when told no, for the most part that listen and understand. There are exceptions but for the most part that is the case. Men-children generally test mothers first. How much can I brazenly get away with? Boys soon learn not to fear whippings, or punishment. It is necessary for a boy to be a man to have some of these traits. He has to be strong willed and somewhat disobedient. You tell a boy no, and he may get angry and do it anyway (damn the consequences). He has to have that time to learn.

Every young male defendant I have ever been involved with spoke through his mother. He was spoiled to the point where his life expectations still come from his mother. She still defends and protects him. TOO LATE!

You have to be rough on a young nigga. He won’t appreciate sacrifice until he has sacrificed. He wont be respected, until he learns to respect. Especially in this society that values bling bling, and big asses. The best example I have is my neighborhood as a kid. We all grew up middle class. We all graduated from high school. The ones who had jobs and grades and did more for themselves, are now doctors, lawyers, working in the plants, educators, etc. The ones that were spoiled and coddled are calling me now trying to have their record expunged. True to life.

My son will never fill the master’s whip, or Jim Crow, or separate but equal, or segregation, or racism to the extent that any of his forefathers did. He might even think that life is supposed to be fair. One day he may believe that life owes him something.

Unless I teach him to be his own man, to face challenges head up, to work hard for everything you earn. And you have to learn those lessons the hard way.


  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger Serenity23 said…

    I'm dying laughing at your example of your neighborhood. Hmmmm. I wonder who is calling to have their record expunged? Poor thing. And you're right about boys. My son tests me all the time, but I tend to think he gets that from me b/c I am a tester as well. Interesting view point.

  • At 2:46 PM, Blogger That Girl Tam said…

    Well...I stumbled over here by clickin away with my mouse, but I'm glad I stopped by. I should introduce you to my husband!! HAHAHA! I'm still LMAO @ the wine buzz comments! HAHAHA!

    We have 3 stepson is 12 (and a lazy little nigga), then we have a 5 1/2 year old and a 16 month old. As sad as it may be, there IS a difference between MY children and HIS son - I'm only making the clarification because I've noticed a few things about myself and about my husband's parenting. I was raised strict. My mother is 3rd Generation Chinese American, but ruled with an iron fist...she didn't take no shit and neither do I. My stepson tests me CONSTANTLY - but MY kids, know not to even play me like that...even at their age. I've had my stepson since he was 2...and he's given me problems since day 1. I'm the only woman (besides his mother) that has ever been a constant in his life.

    My rules never change and because I've been given 3 gorgeous boys, dammit it's partially MY job to raise strong men. Now...I can't teach them how to be men, but I can teach them how to have strong make good decisions and such. My husband is easy on his son, and hard on my 5 year old. I am the opposite because at 12, you shouldn't have to be told to wash your ass, do your chores and comb your hair everyday - when a 5 year old does it on his own.

    Anyhoo...I'll end up typing 50 pages here!! HAHAHA...GREAT POST! Wonderful insight...

  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger Sonnyredd said…

    Good post, if only because I had to come home to comment.

    I understand and appreciate a good dinner conversation so I know how you feel.

    First, while it is important to recognize and appreciate the gender difference, I must opine that your plan offers a disregard for the education of your son. Raising gentlmen AND scholars is more important than 'working negores'to my mind.

    Additionally, while I empathize with your summation regarding the 'nature of a man', particularly in light of some of the dumb ish I engaged in, I think that more interaction and boundaries beats out some of the outright draconian methods you suggest.

    Finally, assuming arguendo that the broad assertions you make are true, then the very traits of 'self-preservation, will power and unselfishness (a tad contradictory, given the first trait, but I digress)' may be attributed less to chemically controlled gender differences and moreso due to the manner in which women are raised. If this is the case, then the very methods you suggest may actually foster self granduer and selfishness. Consider that the regimine that you propose may create in the boy a feeling of 'boot camp' survivor--the 'if it does not kill me it makes me stronger' factor, lending itself to feelings of invincibility.

    One last note--it strikes me as indeed sad that one of our black men sees black manhood in terms of selfishness and arrogance. It is reminicent of francis cress welsing, and perhaps indicative of systematic problems within our community. If we see each other as savages, can we really blame white folks for feeling the same way.

  • At 10:35 PM, Blogger Gunner Kaufman said…

    I was in Va for the holiday, and had to knock the shit out of my son. Punched him in the side/back like a grown man. He dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. The room fell silent. I leaned over his body, and yelled to him,"you will never take me, i will always crush your black narrow ass...and dont forget, just cause i love ya dont mean im your friend, im your dad first punk, now get up". And as I stood back looking at him gathering his strength to stand, his mother stepped over his body and said, "you need to do that more often, like twice a week".

    I agree with you completely. My daughter is spoiled. My sons have "shit to do". I feel ya. Give them dudes an inch, and its over. Love them to death and they know it. But they mess up a crash you like you were trying to rob me.

  • At 4:12 PM, Blogger Closet Owner said…

    1. No, realize that hard work is just as important as intellect. Too many disregard one for the other. Either, I am an intellect and hard work is beneath me, or I am a worker so intellect is beyond me.
    A work ethic will carry you further than pure intellect any day. Keep living.

    2. Everything I am saying is interaction. A chance to recognize ones own boundaries. One day he will have to be a man, so here is what to expect.

    3. Exactly, he must feel unstoppable; I must give him the tools to be unstoppable. But unstoppable towards the right goals and purpose, education, family, community. You almost got it, just reach a little harder.

    4. I think the Isis Papers speak more to my point than yours. The idea is recognize the problems and deal with them accordingly. Better to see the snake when he bites you, than walk alone unknowingly in the woods.

  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger sJea said…

    agree with the general sentiment expressed in your thing that i would add for your daughter...instead of allowing her a part time job...i would encourage her to get involved in begin an early habit of regular physical that she will have a greater tendency to remain healthier...and not turn into a fat girl...and i mean that in not only a sense of vanity...but for overall health as well...

  • At 1:19 PM, Blogger Dee said…

    Good post!!!!

    Your views are intresting......LOL

    I am guilty of "spoiling" my boys 13 and 17...........

    I too luv a wine buzzz


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