Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Sorry in Advance

Please accept this with my humblest apologies as I begin my Friday rant. But to contain my anger and frustration any longer may cause harm to my own person. I hope it all comes out right, I am disturbed and it effects my writing, so to that end Consider all of this a SIDENOTE!

Why do women continue to be the weaker sex? It is not flattering, it is not feminine, it is just plain disturbing. I meet so many strong dominating women only to peal back the multitude of layers and discover naiveté, depression, self-loathing, fear and anxiety. We all posses these less than favorable human traits, we all get down every now and again, But I will be damned if I get down because of some other person or some other event that is far beyond my ability to control.

I am speaking from my own experiences, as a member of the ex-wife/crazy bitch club. I blamed myself and expanded my faults to encompass all of the worlds problems as well as my own. Shyte I literally fell into disarray.

See my ex-wife knew how to get to me, she broke me down I allowed her to break me down. She expected the world of me and I tried to provide it, at 20! Then when I couldn’t provide it, she ridiculed and derided me. She went after my most vulnerable spot, my attempts to be a man as I defined man. I wanted to be the great lover, great provider, and great father. She cut off access to one, mismanaged the other, and removed from my life my only joy during my most difficult time. The girl made me weep. Seriously I wept.

I visited a really good friend of mine during my darkest days. He took one look at me and said I was pitiful. Not pitiful for the circumstances in my life but pitiful for letting those circumstances destroy me. Letting those circumstances control my actions. Letting life whip me, was unconscionable in his eyes.

I was mad at first, I wanted sympathy and he gave me honesty. After I left his crib, I withdrew again into my woes and misery. But the bitterness had lost its sting. The darkness revealed first shadows and then light. Soon I realized that no matter what I had options simply because I did. I threw off her yoke and came to my own sense of who I was. Not measured by her or life, measured by my own mind, and my own actions.

Do what you feel is the best you can do in your heart and mind; if it doesn’t work, or if bad things happen, oh well, move on. Don’t get mired in self-doubt and misery. If you get lost, get a map and find your way. Don’t just rumble the streets hoping that chance and good fortune will smile on you. Self-empowerment is a gift that God gave us all. Not just men, not just single women, not just older women. We all have it.

You want something in your life to change. Change it! IF you can’t change it let that shyte go. But before you truly say it is beyond your control, exhaust all your remedies. Including getting your brother and his boys to visit that clown with a baseball bat. Never change who you are because of a desire to impress, or a desire to fit in, or a desire to be accepted. You are perfect the way you are because that is who you are. No outside opinion by any individual or society should change that outlook.

Just as you accept your hair as short or long, straight or nappy; your body as thick or heavy; your lips, your eyes, your nose, accept too, that you are! A desire to change should come from within. A desire to be different is personal not public.

So don’t be moved by the subtle winds of change. Design your own winds!

Just a little advice from a Closet Owner!

Thursday, December 08, 2005


It finally happened. I saw a new episode of Good Times

I was watching TVONE this weekend.

For those of you who don’t know, TVONE is a new or one of the newer black televisions stations. I have been watching this joint sense it came on the Direct TV programming schedule. I really do try to support all thing African American/black, so I spend at least one hour of the day with my TV tuned to this station. No, I am not a Neilson family but man you never know if big brother is watching.

When TVONE first came on it had really some bare bones programming. They started with some black design chic show. They usually ran two shows back to back. Then they had a cooking show with this black guy, G.Garvin, who looks like LL COOL J. Then the next 4 hours would be Living It Up with Patti LaBelle, a show featuring her talking and cooking and hanging with her girls.
I have never heard more babies, and chiles’ in all my life.
Lastly around prime time they would show some ole school black movie. Not the good ones but the really low budget old flicks. But it was black so I watched it.

Luckily the Station is getting more dollars and the programming is improving. They got Martin, Apollo, and Good Times reruns. Better black movies. Tabloid shows like Access TVONE. Plus they still run that home girl show with Patti LaBelle. They even have two long forgotten black shows Amen and 227! The station declared that they would access a market that Bet neglected, the adult Black television market. I watched that channel all weekend and I did not see one Video, or rap interview. Thank God we are about more than just the Minstrel Show!

But back to the point of this whole discussion, I ran up on a Good Times episode that I had never seen before! Or at least it wasn’t very familiar. I was dumbfounded. I have often prided myself on having seen every episode of Good Times at least 10 times. When I was young that was the only black programming we had outside of Video Soul. So my sister and I watched Good Times when we got home from school, and when we went to bed at night. I had a nice 13inch black and white TV in my bedroom, and I drifted off to sleep many nights listening to the dulcet tones of “Not Getting Hassled not getting Hustled.”

But this episode was new to me. Some of the storyline seemed vaguely familiar but it never matched up. See Willona didn’t want to go to a wedding because she was single and didn’t feel like getting hassled. James warned Florida about trying to be a match maker and we all know Florida was determined to hook her good friend up. I guess it is obvious as to why the story was not one of the Classics like JJ getting shot, or Michael on that VitaBlue, or even Thelma and and number of her BoyFriends (Ebea (sp) comes to mind. But I didn’t get to watch the end so I don’t know how it ended and it has bothered me to no end.

First off, why doesn’t Good Times have a web site? What kinda shyte is that? That show beyond all others is a cultural icon. Many brothers grew up into puberty with Thelma. (When I was young Thelma just pissed me off for f@cking with JJ, but as I got older she became very useful…) We learned about Black Power and the proper purpose of education from Michel. We learned about hard work, perseverance and pride from James. We picked up strong womanhood and faith in God from Florida. We didn’t really learn shyte from JJ, he was truly comic relief, but he did love his family. So I think that Good Times deserves a website. I will even go further. Good Times needs a reunion show. Damn could you imagine the profit a show like that would derive? Everyone in America has watched Good Times at some time or another. The damn show is on somewhere in the world every hour of the day. We need a reunion show just to get some closure.
What do yall think the whole Good Times gang is up to? Is Micheal a mayor, is JJ a famous artist, what do you think?

Does anyone know how that episode with Willona ended?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Just a question?!

Things fall apart!

That is a true statement. But as they fall apart they fall back together. It is all part of HIS grand plan. If you believe in the Big Man or some form of the Big Man.

But what is this all about if you don’t. I shudder to think. I have never been a Christian that lives up to the total call and burden placed on us. I guess I am just lazy on that point. I don’t do much to bring others into fellowship with the Big Guy.

IF every asked I will quickly vocally support my chosen faith; but door to door, on the corner of Bourbon Street during the Bayou Classic, or cooking rice for some small village in a faraway uncivilized land…well I just haven’t had that calling.

Sometimes I sin. I do things that I know are sinful. Alas I am human. I strive everyday to be Christ Like.

I look at the world today. It scares me. It really feels like everything is getting worse. Crime, violence, environment, sexuality, government, disease, natural disasters, man-made disasters are just the tip of the iceberg.

SO my solution is to pray. I ask for strength. I humble myself, and move forward knowing that he wont give me anything I cant bare. However, I also know he has empowered me with free will. I make decisions that direct me life and the consequences of which I fully expect. Every now and then I sit in disbelief at my misfortune, and alternatively at my fortune. No matter how bad the situation I know that HE is still with me, and that without his shield it would be much worse.

For those who don’t believe, how do you survive? What is your reason for going on through the bad times? How do you do it? Just a question.