Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Confession

Don’t call me Scrooge, or Francis Xavier Cross for that matter, I just have some small minor issues about Christmas that I would like to share.

When I was a child I loved Christmas. I planned my gift list out in detail. I was prompt in sending my list to Santa right after Thanksgiving. I wanted to give him and his little elves plenty of time to find Ram-Man, Skeletor, and Man-At-Arms action figure. I was aware that Destro, Dialtone, Monkeywrench, and Shipwreck were popular characters and in high demand. I didn’t want to miss out so I got my list in early.

As I got a little older I wanted to believe in the big guy but the logistics were getting in the way. I was bright for my age but childhood innocence kept me a true-believer. I opined that with the combination of different time zones, and a really fast sleigh, Santa could possible get these gifts all done in one night.

We all remember the first true realization that Jolly Saint Nick was really Moms and Pops. Standing outside during the Christmas break, (which lasted like a month when I was a kid) you and your podnuhs talking about what you getting for Christmas. All it took was one dude to question Santa’s existence.

“You know there aint no Santa Claus right?!”

“The rest of us would chime in no duh, man come on, only little kids believe in Santa.”

When I first uttered that faithful statement, I quickly said a pray under my breath, asking Santa to forgive me if he was real. I don’t know why but I used to equate Santa with God… But that is another long story.

So once my belief system was shattered, I didn’t quite make my list with the same wanton abandon. In fact my Mom stopped asking me for my list, and just started asking me what I wanted for Christmas… Bah-Humbug!

I was older and I moved to more acceptable choices in gifts. I reviewed what I needed, and what I could do without. My selection moved from toys to clothes and electronics. I didn’t want to bankrupt my peoples so the list got smaller and smaller.

Then as a young adult, before I made my own family, I went some Christmases with out getting a thing. A mean, yeah some little booty I was with at the time would make the attempt, but lets just face it, Christmas was not what it used to be.

Now fast forward to me and now! My little one still makes the list, even though at 11 going on 27 she doesn’t believe in Santa.

In fact I know she don’t believe in Santa thanks to her mom, and this next door neighbor who was hot!!!

And my wife! Well, last year we were in Jamaica missing Christmas because of a snowstorm, this year between the Hurricane, the Baby and her not working because of the aforesaid, we decided to not exchange gifts for Christmas. Just make sure the Little Miss gets what she wants.

Now Closet aint no fool! Of course I got her a gift. Two in fact! Shyte I do want to get some for Christmas!

But now on to my confession. I hesitate to say this, again just in case there is a Santa, but Christmas the Holiday is for women and kinds.

I know that is a shocker but I really stopped getting what I wanted when I learned that there was no Santa Claus. My gifts have been monitored from that day to this. I never really ask for what I want because I know:
I will be paying for them anyway.
I can’t afford the shyte I really want!

Okay follow me on this. I aint mad about it, I just have come to realize that the true deal is to give. That is enough for me. I love to see the smiles and the joy when my loves get what they want. That is really enough for me. But I will tell every woman out there stop even asking your husband what he wants for Christmas. Get him a tie and some cologne, or a robe. You really don’t care what he really wants. You are just asking to be nice.

You still not feeling me on this one. Okay, go home and ask you Husband, boyfriend, Man, significant other what he really wants for Christmas and promise that you will get him whatever it is he ask for. Just don’t be calling me mad, or broke when you get your answer. And if he don’t say:
52 Inch Plasma Screen
An Airplane
BMW 545I
A Threeway with one of your sexy friends!
A trip to Vegas with his boys.
Between 28 and 368 thousand dollars.

He is lying!

Merry Christmas everybody! See yall on the other side of the Holidays.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Love dont cost a thang!

The topic of the day!

The source of my mid morning rant resulted from my listening to the radio personalities on my local urban music station. The “Question of the Day” was:

I will let that one sink in for a moment.

People actually called in saying some crazy shyte!

What is the world coming too? Have we gotten so bad to where a relationship can’t survive if I am not leaving $200 on the dresser every week? Do I have to buy you a car, or pay your rent?


Am I wrong to think that women should elevate themselves higher than the level of prostitute or does everything cost?

Dagone, maybe I hung in the wrong circles. I will buy you dinner, a movie, a nice bottle of wine to put us in the right mood, but I draw the line at paying the rent.

I almost dealt with this once before in my life, someone assumed I was a john so the propositioned me.

After a glorious and fulfilling night of grown folk stuff I attempted to drift off consumed in my afterglow when;

“I am so mad at my baby daddy” she interrupted the silence inviting conversation.

I glumly replied “For real, that is to bad.”

I anticipated that this would end the conversation but to my disappointment she continued, “He knows I don’t have any money but he refuses to help!”

“Hmmm, to bad… Maybe he will change,” It was all I had, besides I was trying to drift off before her next sentence.

“Nah, he been doing me wrong, I shoulda known the nigga was no good, he aint nothing like you. I just don’t know what I am going to do about this cause if I get kicked out how am I going to take care of my kid?”

It was about here that I was becoming aware of the devolving situation. She didn’t want to talk and cuddle, she wanted to push an agenda, she was after something.

“Yeah, things is kinda rough all over” I was fully awake know, and my desire to hit again was being replaced by a sinking feeling that this chic was looking for change. Not the I realize where my life went wrong kind, and not the kind that jingles but the kind of change that folds.

I am not a sugar daddy, a john, nor a sorry azz nigga. I am pretty quick on the uptake and the chic was starting to sound like she was trying to fleece me!

Her next mouth sounds confirmed my suspicions, “I was thinking, maybe you could help me?”

“Help you how? I can help you find a good lawyer, but I don’t loan money to close friends!” I was trying to be as quick with her as possible; my sexual desires had been replaced with visions of my wallet being pilfered, (I like that word…it sounds like what it means) and I was preparing to make a quick exit.

Her mouth contorted and a flash of rage and despair crossed her visage. “Well I wasn’t thinking loan, I was thinking gift!”

“Baby you need 5-10 dollars I am your man, but unless you living in a box or got a hellava “Section 8” deal on this apartment 5-10 dollars aint going to cover it.” I said this as I sorted through the sheets to find my boxers. “Besides, we not even on that kinda level, if that level exist!”

“Well I just thought since I was giving you something, you could give me something” she replied unabashedly.

“Damn girl, if your something aint worth more than a couple of dollars then I don’t want no parts of it. Besides how you coming at me like that now, is this what you had in mind from day one” My brevity didn’t work, so honesty was my only out, I coulda lied and made promises I wasn’t going to keep, she only had the cell number, and no address, I could have vanished.

“I am surprised and kinda disappointed, I thought we was cooler than that.” My last statement was made as I finished dressing, and ambled out of the door.

My love don’t cost a thang so puzzy should be free!
Ha…just a quick hit for your holiday

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Did I do that?

Where did I leave off?

This past weekend was a blast. It was my one year anniversary. So To put all proper things in perspective lets examine this last year of my life.

07/04 I made the single largest purchase of my life. I bought a home. Wow! Never thought I would really see the day. But it is here. A mortgage is a bitch!

  • People will tell you “Home buying is a great thing!” TRUE, but niggas forget to mention that buying washer/dryer, refrigerator, lawnmower, additional furniture is a bitch!
  • Cutting grass is my meditation and relaxation time. I like the labor; it lets my mind free up. Why did my in-laws as a gesture of good will cut my grass, and hook it up!!!!
  • Painting rooms is some real home improvement type shyte. Now my daughter and the baby have the tightest rooms in the house. (Murals and all that!)

12/04 Pissed on the fire, called the dawgs in, and put the guns up. I did the damn thing, AGAIN!

  • People tend not to realize how much goes into a wedding. It was months of planning a preparation that I had to exhaust all my resources to stay out of. I could right a book on how to dodge planning your own wedding.
  • I really do believe that I had the most fun at my own wedding.
  • Women please believe that bachelor parties are only good in the movies. Real bachelor parties end up being homie reunions and continuations of old arguments that never got settled. If two of your good friends don’t end up hating each other all over again you are lucky. (I hoped that worked fella, yall owe me one!)

12/04 Honeymoon in Jamaica was the bomb.

  • Getting back home during the baggage handlers strike for US AIRWAYS was the aftershock!
  • Getting back to New Orleans after the first Snow in Christmas History was the Terrorists Attack.

SideNote: I never told you my honeymoon coming home lost in America story? I have got to tell yall about that shyte later, right now I am in a zone!

01/05 Your Pregnant!

  • How the hell did that happen?
  • I blame American Airlines. (see SideNote above)

02/05 Happy B-Day to me!

02/05 My Dad has been sick!

  • No balance, nausea…no appetite!
  • Yeah it’s the inner ear…but no body knows exactly what!

03/05 The FLU

  • It almost got me. I had never had the flu before but I almost died. I don’t usually take medicine but I doped up this time. I was in bed for a week. I never felt worse in my life. (Please See Month of April)

04/05 Stay away from Benadryl

  • I thought I was getting a little congested or something so I took Benadryl.
    I am one of a million people who apparently cant take Benadryl.
    I hallucinated for 12 hours. It was like an acid trip. I thought I was dying. My skin was crawling, my hands were not mine. I was straight up Chris Tucker on Friday!
  • Read the label on that shyte careful like before you take it. All that small print is real.

05/05 Happy B-Day to the Black

  • I still don’t really know the date, so I steal a look at her DL every April so I wont get caught off guard.
  • She is not really getting big. But she was sick, and she is pregnant…again how did that happen!

06/05 On my way to making some History in the Largest judgment in Louisiana Civil District Courts.

  • I didn’t get none of the money, but I helped form the decision
    Come to think about it, that sucks.

SideNote: Still trying to make the Career Change! Anyone know a headhunter I could employee.

07/05 Getting ready for baby!

  • It is official my wife is crazy and I am an enabler. My baby’s furniture cost more than mine!!!
  • No we still don’t know the sex of the baby…don’t want to know…let it be an old school surprise.
  • The fight about the name has reached its zenith. He shall be the THIRD, III, Trey..damn the world.

08/05 Storms a brewing!

09/05 Trying to keep shyte together!

  • My world is on its ear for several months!

10/05 The III is born.

  • Nuff Said.

11/05 My baby girl needs surgery?!

  • Every parent’s worst nightmare! I cried alone from fear. I couldn’t share my lapse of strength with anyone. I cried from fear of losing her, from fear of her pain. I cried for all that my in-laws had lost. I cried because my family was spared their lives. I cried because I could help and I did. I cried for the first time in years.

12/05 Celebrating the Birth

  • Celebrating Life
  • Celebrating Love
  • Merry Christmas Everybody!