Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, January 20, 2006


I closed the car door lightly. I was unfamiliar with the neighborhood and I wasn’t trying to attract “The Ropers”. Nah, no one could witness this mission I was about to go on. I was not unhappy with my current situation, hell sometimes you have to adapt to succeed or persevere.


I was in one of my drought seasons. We have all had them, even the best of us. A time in my life when my old cast and crew no longer favor me, nor have I started taping a new season. I was on hiatus if you will. But I had been given an offer that was hard to turn down, “String Free Puzzy”. Now I know all puzzy comes with strings but this was a time when I was positive I could quickly cut any ties.

Ole Girl wasn’t all that bad. She just didn’t seem to try hard enough. Her hair was think and long. Most of the length was unhealthy split ends.

Don’t ask me how I know this kinda stuff, but I really love long pretty hair…its my thing.

Her body style was thick, not juicy hit that thick, but pick some cotton, toil in the field thick. I imagine that when the whoppers went on sale for $0.99, it just took whatever figure she had left. But her breast, her full, ample, nurturing, suckling breast. She had an ample bussom and that may have been all that was needed to push me over the edge. She was not a full time star, she wasn’t that material, she didn’t get the hair done enough, or keep up with the latest style in clothing. She had a very “accept me for who I am” attitude and it just wasn’t working for her.

We had several brief introduction type encounters before she actually struck up a real conversation. We frequented the same establishment at happy hour on Thursday so I imagine she had been working her scheme out for quite some time.

Her approach was basic and upfront. I appreciate that, tell me what you want, woman up!
“Its kinda slow in here tonight” She grinned and leaned forward as these words and her chest fell towards me.

“Yeah, it’s the rain of the threat of rain, but the drinks are still wet, so I am good.” I countered, but I couldn’t tell what or where she was coming from, so I played along with light conversation.

“Hmm, you coming home with me? Seeing as how you don’t have anybody else to occupy your time.”

My heart fell as my libido rose, I didn’t want to do this but the girl had a point. I stumbled forward quietly into her trap.
“Home with you, tonight, why?… “I couldn’t bare myself, the thought but I knew what I was going to do.
She countered not to eager to press her advance, “Just think about it, talk to me before you leave tonight”

She left me an avenue of exit that would save both her pride and my reputation. If I stayed longer than she did, then I wouldn’t have to take up her offer, without not taking her up on her offer. But My Man, with the help of Mr. Crown, got the best of me. I softly approached her a few hours later and motioned with a head jerk and a nod that I would follow her.

Now I was in front of her place. She was already inside, as I had to leave once already to pick up some essentials. I walked slowly as I reached her door. Before I knocked the door drifted open and I stepped inside. Her apartment was small, but fully decorated, pink and green was everywhere. I noticed the big screen TV in the corner and I was instantly pissed.

What does a broad need with a big screen TV. Damn, I mean but for bad credit, a drinking habit, and an indulgence in women I would have one too.

The front door opened directly in front of a small stairway. I stood there as my eyes adjusted to the darkness and unaware of the chief occupants location. She called out to me coyly, “If you scared say you scared!”

“I just don’t want to step on none of these dolls and figurines all over the place, what is this a shrine to AKA.” I stumbled forward removing my jacket as I located the source of this now husky sinuous voice. I glanced up the stairway and paused, she stood at the top of the stair way in a sheer robe, and pumps.

I admit the effort was appealing, but I was still having doubts. What if someone found out, what if she told people? It was a classic battle, my ego versus my libido.

Somehow I ended up in her bed talking. Not surprisingly her conversation was good, she listened reacted laughed even showed some humor herself. My ego was winning and I was turning this sordid scene into a friendly cuddle session. Then she and he struck.

During a break in the convo as I attempted to drift off to sleep, she popped out one of her mammoth titties and placed an enormous nipple areola combination into my mouth. What could I do I was obligated to suck it, and I did, and once that happen the My Man took over. I went through all the fly positions, my head under her leg under her arm under her toe. I was ready, and her moans seriously upgraded a otherwise untenable situation.

She pulled me to her, plunging her tongue into my mouth, sucking my lips otherwise engulfing me. It was way to much, those kinda kisses should be reserved for your man. I pulled away and laid on my back facing her (the universal sign for ‘give me some head’). She followed the contexts clues and positioned herself in front of me, a flick of her tongue made me fearful and anxious at the same time. I had not noticed before the length of her tongue and well it was scary. On top of that her tongue had no fear, it traipsed through places I often fear to tread. I was so impressed and told her that she was doing an outstanding job.

It may have come out more like, “Oh, shyte…baby…damn” Can you blame me, okay, you go home to your man and performing the following: DeepThroat while your tongue is displaced licking balls at the same time.

I pulled away not wanting my excitement to sputter fourth. I repositioned her on the bed and pulled out one of my essentials. (see above) In a one hand move I was set and ready for action. She lifted her legs and spread her lips. (The universal sign for ‘eat my puzzy’) I ignored her request and steadied My Man for his work. My Man steadied himself and began his dance.

One of my favorite beginning moves is the slow entry. It requires skill, patience and a certain amount of guile. You better know what you doing if you pull the slow entry move, because if the longest part of your performance is the entry you will get talked about.

So as I kneeled in front of her essence and slowly, deliberately delivered My Man, she threw a galvanized, steel, 8” monkey wrench in the works. She swallowed. That is the best way I can describe it. Somehow through tantric powers undiscovered by mere mortals she pulled me forward. Yes her ‘cunt’ (ooowww, yeah I know gross) pulled me forward. I resisted, I held my position. I engaged in a sex organ tug of war. But two swallows later I was inside her.

1 minute and counting:
How dare she change my style. I run this not the other way around. My visage of anger quickly changed to worry as I realized that tug of war not only served as a climatic battle of wills but it also had hastened my own climatic end. I grimaced, I fought, I steadied my self against the callings of MY MANS request for sweet release. It was good puzzy. It was great puzzy. It moved, and grinded, hiccupped, spun, vibrated. It was magical. I had never met anyone with that kinda puzzy control. I was impressed and disappointed at the same time. Why couldn’t the chic be a damn knock out? Further if things continued at this fluid pace I wouldn’t be getting any second chances.

2 Minutes and Counting:

My ego popped up and set himself smugly on her pillow.

Ego: Now you done it!
ClosetOwner: Done what, I done nothing yet…if you not going to help, leave.
EGO: You fucked a fat girl and you did so pathetically.
ClosetOwner: First she aint fat, second, it aint over till its over.
EGO: Yeah, its over, now you goin have a fat girl telling people you aint got no skills…I tried to warn you.
ClosetOwner: Well, so its your damn fault anyway.
My Man: Excuse me, but you two bitches need to stop arguing…I have an idea…

2 minutes and 30 seconds and counting.

I felt the rush of my impending doom. I gave in! I thrust and parried Olympic style. I was there in mere minutes. But I didn’t shudder, or grunt, I didn’t fall out, or exclaim. I stopped in mid thrust and recited a classic line that I heard often in my youth.

“We Shouldn’t be doing this!”

It was classic. I sat on the edge of the bed hiding any signs of my premature actions. She went through the usually, “whats wrongs”, and the “we grown”, and the “You don’t find me attractive.”

I left her with another classic line that I have never been able to use again.

“I am trying to about more than just sex, sometimes it leaves me feeling empty, and I don’t want to associate you with that feeling”

I walked quickly to her Hollywood bathroom and cleaned up the evidence. I lay down next to her and continued our conversation. It was a good thing I had the 3pack cause once Ego, My Man, and Me are on the same page we are hell to deal with.


  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger Me said…

    ok that was funny - puzzy control ! i gotta work on that ..

    what makes puzzy good anyway ?

  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger Lāā said…

    Dang, that sounds like a very long tongue!

    For a minute I thought I was reading someone else's blog. You really brought it this time. Someone just came to my desk and I was mad at them for interrupting me while I'm reading your post!

  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger muffin said…

    i so enjoyed reading this post! ;)

    It was a good thing I had the 3pack cause once Ego, My Man, and Me are on the same page we are hell to deal with.... LMAO

  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger Cool AC said…

    I will LaaLaa, My boss has not been in my face all day, and soon as I get to your blog, here he comes.

    Anyway, good story. I have heard that "we shouldn't be doing this" line before, never knew it was a cover up for quick performance.

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Serenity23 said…

    I'm just sitting here shaking my head. You screwed a fat girl???????? With split ends????????????????????? And you were a 2 minute brother? And you lived to tell about it? Someone needs to take your pimp card, b/c you have a BDR out there somewhere. Hopefully not more than one.

  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger Closet Owner said…

    @Serenity Hmmm, I thought you werent reading...She wasnt Fat, healthy, robust, voluptous...Never FAT.
    BDR's like wather reports are subject to change.

    Sometimes its to cover guilt...Like if I was married and had sex with you, half way through I would say something like "We Should Stop" then later I tell you that I am married, and thats why I didnt want to do it in the first place. Then it becomes your fault!

    Still waiting on you to post again on the regular. My post dont compare to yours.

    Whos blog did you think you were reading...we want to know

    Okay, I have tried to explain this before...check this post.

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Honest said…

    Wow I let out a loud gawwf and I'm glad my officemate isn't in today otherwise I would have her wondering WTF.

    This is hilarious and insightful at the same time.

  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger P said…

    This is some pure d erotica right huure, boyee!

    I don't know whether I feel exhilarated from arousal or laughter.

    I'm loving the skeletons, closet.

  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger That Girl Tam said…

    Ok ain't supposed to be reading this shit...AND YOU KNOW IT!! HAHAHA!

    Closet ain't so "in the closet"! You'z a big ol freak...and a BIG 'OL phreak lova (PUN intended).

  • At 3:45 AM, Blogger sj-the-infamous said…

    1 -- "...“she had a very accept me for who I am” attitude and it just wasn’t working for her." -- HILARIOUS!!

    2 -- you did NOT just quote "Freaks of the Industry!" You really might be my bestest friendest

    3 -- I LOVE the ego convo....he he ha ha

  • At 4:58 AM, Blogger Brotha Buck said…

    Wow, that was good. I can't believe you told! I won't get into my one time fat woman escapade, but lest say it didn't take long, and after I got a real good look at her, I got out quick.

  • At 8:34 AM, Blogger Msnhim said…

    Thats some shit!!!! Men realy know how to play the game...good for you!

  • At 1:54 PM, Blogger Closet Owner said…

    Insightful? Well I guess.

    I think sex is sometime erotic and sometimes funny.
    You have to be able to laugh at some of the stuff you do during sex. Hmmm, could be a future post.

    Glad you realized who was reading and who wasn’t supposed to be.

    OH, and I never said ole girl was fat, she probably thought she was thick, you know how yall women do it.

    You are the only one who got the Digital Underground Reference.

    I never said she was fat!!!!

    Not really game just a dude being himself and trying to save face!

  • At 5:49 PM, Blogger African girl, American world said…

    well freaky fridays it is then....good stuff. I have more to say but I got your illness and I'm down for the count!

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Dee said…

    Dam see what I miss when I don't read one day??????


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