Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

HELP!!!!

I open this morning’s message with a simple cry for help.

I am aware that several females read this blog. In the past they have offered advice and opinions (some unsolicited).

I am calling on the powers of the wise and venerated female:
Oh Solver of problems,
Oh Giver of life sustenance,
Oh Maker of new people,
Oh Source of Joy,
Oh Creator of dissatisfaction,
and Great Spender of money!

Please send down to me your wisdom and knowledge before all is lost!

I am having a problem with baby girl!

Maybe a little background will help…click here for background.

So I am the PCG for my daughter. Now that I am married I guess PCG is no longer correct. But saying she lives with me seems to leave so much out of the story. How about I am her Daddy. Okay that sums it up right? Well anyway.

The problem is the baby is growing up.

My daughter is 11 about to be 28. Her styles are a changing. I cant keep up. Demi-Bras, shirts exposing the belly, rings, and grown women shoes seem to be the latest tools amassed in an effort to kill her Daddy.

Am I old fashioned?
If by that you mean do I expect my daughter to respect herself and dress like it… well yes! Yes I do butt heads with the source of my constant frustration? (see ex-wife) SO my ex…supplies my daughter with her tools for my destruction. My daughter has my ex-wife’s taste. A style that lies somewhere between hoochie and she-know-better-than-to-wear-that! It all stems from a body image problem that my ex-wife didn’t get until we had long departed company.

Normally my daughter doesn’t dare to bring those close to my house. She understands that her daddy treasures her youth and innocence and wants it that way until she is either a 42yrs old CEO of a fortune 500, or I am dead. Preferable she will wait until I am dead.

But lately I have had to buy clothes of a certain style. Certain colors. Certain stores. Little girl is developing her style…or so I thought. Her mother had laid the seeds of hoochie sometime back when I wasn’t looking. Now the damn hoochie weeds are growing everywhere.

My only defense (because Dad is style challenged) is the new wife. The new wife is more than adequate to the task, but every weekend visit to the ex’s house we are set back two months.

My real problem is I am scared of boys. I was such a menace, such a sneaky devil, such a hoe, and I know I was a much better person than all these little niglets running around today.

Two weeks ago I came home from work to a nice a quiet house. My wife was next door at the inlaws…
SideNote: I never did finish telling yall what happened after the hurricane. I will give you details later but the short of it is my in-laws moved in next door.

My daughter was quiet. Too quiet. I opened the door to her room. Her little Glamour girl lamp is on and she is lying on her bed with a slow Mariah Carey song gently accenting her room. She pressed the Glamour Girl Phone I bought for her last Christmas to her chest and questioned my presence.
“What Dad?”

Nothing baby, I was just checking on you.” I closed the door and headed to my room to undress (aka throw my clothes on the floor).

No sooner than I released the trying grip of my tie when the images that just occurred flashed back in an eerie Usual Suspects, Memento, Sixth Sense kinda way.

Music, bed, phone, the quick dispatch of her father…OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I grabbed the phone in my room and listened with restricted breath. The sound nearly crushed me, IT WAS A NIGLET!

In my gruffest meanest voice I yelled, “GET OFF THIS DAMN PHONE”

I ran in her room as she still was busy trying to save face. I snatched the phone from her hand hand explained to the Niglet that my daughter did not receive calls from little niglets and don’t call my house again.

Of course I didn’t handle the right way but to hell with all that. And I was guilty, in my daughter’s eyes, of ruining her life, and being dumb, and old fashioned. But I was loosing my daughter. To hell with that!

I calmed down and explained to my daughter that we hadn’t talked about this enough, but “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS A NIGLET TO CALL THIS HOUSE!”

After a long conversation she understood and agreed to limit calls to her girlfriends only.

Two days later, as all suspicious, untrusting, overbearing (also know as good) parent would do, I picked up the cordless phone and pressed the faithful redial button.

SideNote:
Yall know I had remembered that niglets number, and his name…I got his address and his parents place of employment. May sound overboard but…okay its overboard!
I am not trying to be the crazy parent that refuses to let my daughter live. I just think 11 is to young for any talking to boys. It aint happen under my watch.

My daughter had called this niglet again. I waited until I discussed it with my wife to determine a plan of action.

When I brought my daughter in and asked her if she called that little boy, she responded with a resolute NO! Then she went into five minutes of “Why I don’t believe her? and “Why I always think she is lying?”, and “Why don’t I trust her?”. Meanwhile my heart is sinking lower and lower, at 11 I can still count the number of times my daughter has lied to me. This is the first time she has lied to me for some boy!

I exposed her ruse, and explained to her how hurt I was, more so from the lie.
”All children make mistakes, disobey, do foolish things, but lying to your daddy. I am just disappointed baby, I just thought we were closer than that!”

I still hurts me a little to think about it. So tell me what yall think I should do? As of this writing all phone privileges are gone. I wanted to do more but it was Christmas, and aint nothing worse than a pout mouth child at Chirstmas.

16 Comments:

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger African girl, American world said…

    Gosh darnit I need to blog roll you.

    Since I'm one of these wonderful female readers you speak of...here is my take

    IS YOU MY RELATIVE?!

    I would react the very same way. Overprotective my ass....you just doing your job and keep letting her know who's boss.

    11 is way too young! She's got to fear you so keep putting the fear in her.

    OR have said lil boy over

    *Charles, Charles you there?...performing mouth to mouth recitation*

    see it is the whole chase thing and sneek thing that is appealing. Having said boy over on your couch with her on the couch with you right there will take all the thrill away!

    I tried to make you laugh, did it work?

    Now about your in-laws, next door?!

     
  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger Serenity23 said…

    I got a suggestion. Want to hear it, here it go. "Get a pistol!" Now maybe you'll be more sympathetic when I'm having problems with the toddler... Anyway, I died laughing at the thought of the lamp and the Mariah Carey cd and her on the phone. In her defense, hopefully they weren't talking about nothing.. You need to have the new wife have the birds and bees talk to her also. Just in case she gets the bright idea to do something like sex.

     
  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger Serenity23 said…

    THANK GOD I GOT A BOY!

     
  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger Serial_Dater said…

    Man you gonna have issues. I feel your pain. While I'm without a daughter (or any children for that matter) I probably woulda reacted in a similiar fashion.

    And you know what's the worst part about it...One day your daughter will meet some man, whose whole intent will be to deflower and to defile her. :o(

    That's why I'm hoping for a son!

     
  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger Dee said…

    THANK GOD I HAVE BOYS!!!

    "planted the hoochie seed" you kilt me!!!!

    relax.relate.release......

    I think it's good to take her phone time away. just let her know that NEXT time the punishment will be more harsh!!!!

    As far a dressing goes..find a comprimise.it's easier...fighting her on it will just make her change her clothes at school!!!!

    trust me............sincerely boderline.hoochie.since.teens.

     
  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger Lāā said…

    Ok, first of all you telling her that she can't talk to boys on the phone is just going to make her sneak and do it. She has already lied to your face about it. You do not want a sneaky child.

    You might want to let her know when she can start talking to boys on the phone and dating. I know, I know. I have 3 girls and my oldest did the same thing (lied about talking to a boy). She's 14 though and it wasn't the fact of her talking to one but that she lied. I had her write a one page essay about why it's not good to lie (kind of corny, huh). I had her read it in front of the family.

    Just know that she is going to talk to boys. Now, whether she tells you about it or not is the question. Your wife should have a talk with her, but you should too. You should be telling her all the things that you did to try to 'get in the drawls', so she will be prepared. If you teach her game, she will recognize it and not be surprised.

    Thanks for stopping by.

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger That Girl Tam said…

    I'm sorry brotha...I can't help you on this one...I've got 3 BOYS...the kind your daughter needs to watch out for! HAHAHAHA!!

     
  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger Schatzi said…

    I have a daughter that is the same age as yours. I'm not sure how the school system is where you are, but here she's in Middle School. Which means that my little, sweet 11 (almost 12) year old is in the same school as 13-14 year olds. To me, it's too young to mix those ages.

    My strategy would be to be open and honest with her. Remember, kids are faster these days than when we were their age!! Just educate her the best way you can! Let her know the reasons why what she is doing is wrong, not just that it's wrong period! Tell her what intentions those little boys have!

    You don't want her being sneaky and dishonest! She sees these at school and talks to them there..

    I guess what I'm saying is.. Education is the best weapon. She is getting at that age where everything you have taught her is coming into play. She will make the right decisions. I know 11 is young, but she is growing up.

     
  • At 6:28 PM, Blogger candyfortheteacher said…

    I have raised 3 girls. My youngest is now 16. I feel you...My oldest 23 is married and I had no problems. My 20 year old still stresses me out. She turned 18 got a tatoo, tongue pierced, eye lod pierced. OH I could bop her. I tried to think about how things were different with them. My 2 oldest children are adopted. My brother did and his wife was unable to care for them, she was to busy being busy, so I adopted them.
    With the oldest I listened to what she had to say and I gave her calm responses, and I talked to her about boys, drugs, sex, and life.
    The 20 yo was a little more head strong and I forbid her to do things that soem of her friends were doing. She ran with a different crowd than the oldest. She had a harder time dealing with her dad's death. Finally I sat her down and talked straight. She admitted that school was a bad influence because she wanted friends. I took her out put her in a program at our church and she turned 180.
    I am saying to you talk straight to her about sex, boys, and that you don't agree with what her mom wears is appropriate for a girl her age. I know what that is like. My 20yo's mom got her one day for a visit and signed to get her tongue pierced. I didn't find out until a few weeks later when she got strep and wouldn't open her mouth. All hell broke loose. I said things I shouldn't and I know my girl was upset but now she tells everyone I am her mom. Someone asked her today when we were out together about her mom. She said my mom is right her and she is fine. Regina I don't see much.
    OK I have a huge somment sorry. Listen if you want any more of my advice. e-mail me at candyeducator@yahoo.com and I'll give you my 2 cents or maybe 20 cents.

     
  • At 8:56 PM, Blogger Sepiatonz said…

    You did the right thing. Kids are too darn grown!! My step-girls think I am old-fashioned...I tell them no, just old-schooled. I have to remind them that whatever they are thinking of doing (or god-forbid have already done) I probably drafted the manual. The 16 year old is having fits because we just installed call-gate on the phone. No one can make outgoing calls unless they have the pin number...only me and hubby have the pin:)

     
  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Georgiapeach said…

    Okay clothes thing cool. Monitor it. But the phone thing..I got to say. I was sneaking on the phone talking to boys too. But just because your on the phone doesn't mean anything is going down. Plus, what do you really think they are talking about. If he is her age..I don't think sex. I know, people want to assume the bad. But us girls don't really start talking about that until fourteen. SO I think that you should be able to talk on the phone. If he is her age.

     
  • At 9:02 AM, Blogger Juicy said…

    I'm a middle school teacher and sex is an issue. But I think its has more to do with the cultures and the areas in which I work. In my 8th grade classes is where I tend to see and hear about the girls and boys having sex. 1 or 2 out of each class.

    As a female, having my father be real with me is what worked. Honesty! He showed me people with AIDS and people who were on drugs. He told me what they used to do and how bad decisions destroyed thier lives. He taught me to be a leader and to be different. Not to follow the crowd.

    When I lied to him it was only because I didn't want him to be disappointed with me. I valued our relationship and I wanted to remain that angel in his eyes.

    Being attracted to the opposite sex is natural and education is the key! Be real! Show compassion, concern and love! Pray for your kids because you can't do it alone.

    Good Luck and God bless!

    Oh yeah it's the older guys that were my down fall! I was mature for my age and school boys weren't for me!

     
  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger The Princess Herself said…

    Okay, I'm gonna have to give you a different perspective.

    90% of lies are told out of FEAR.
    I wudda been scared too, since you picked up the phone and started yelling about him calling your house, or whatever.

    One thing that parents tend to forget, is that children need respect, just like adults do. If someone wudda done that to you, you upset would you have been??

    While I hate being lied to, especially by my child, I think that you need to talk to her with the same respect that you would want someone to confront you with. Yelling, and just saying NO doesn't (in her mind) make any sense.

    Just take a deep breath, before you react to things like this. You have to let her believe that you are understanding and on her side. Otherwise, she will not ever come to you with something HUGE in her life, for fear that you will overeact. She has to trust you!

    Good luck.

    *closing eyes, and saying a quick prayer.."thank you God for giving me a boy!"*

     
  • At 6:32 AM, Blogger SMW said…

    I have boys and I am grateful but...

    My stepfather did me a disservice by constantly drilling into my head that men are garbage and they only wanna hit it. Don't go that route. Even though I believe he was right, I think i believe that because I made it my reality.

    Instead of trying to scare her straight, give her straight talk. Show her how to treat a woman by how you treat YOUR woman. Show her how she needs to be treated and respected. VERBALIZE these things. Say them aloud to her. If you do she will never forget them.

    Tell her she's worthy of love and attention and she doesn't have to do anything for anyone to get it. Affirm her. Love her like better than any man ever could then it will be difficult for her to put up with crap because she will measure every man against you.

    It all starts with you. But you must set the bar high if you want her to have a healthy relationship with the opporiste sex.

     
  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger Butter Pecan said…

    Well, I have been having the same issue with my daughter which she is also 11. They make it a habit to lie about being on the dam phone when all you have to do is press redial and you get the #. I have yet to understand why they lie. You try to trust them but how can you when they only lie to you. I am still having issues with my daughter but trying my best to work it out. You think talking with them will help but nope.

    Hope yall get everthing worked out.

     
  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger Miss T said…

    Everyone has made some good points. . before too long you NEED to have THE talk with her or have someone you trust do it. You also need to explain why you feel the way you feel. Set her limits. . tell her at what age you will let her talk to boys on the phone and date, etc. (pending she keeps her grades up and does her work around the house).

    Like some said, she'll either try to sneak and do it (and thus starts the lying) or she'll see them at school anyway. . . Maybe she can have a once a week phone call with a boy, in the living room or in her bedroom with the door open (not with all the CD's and all the atmosphere). She's 11 seeing and hearing all kinds of things. The last thing you want is for her to feel she has to hide things from you. Or she'll just go to her mom's house and talk to all the boys she wants to (you know they don't have limits there).

    Having had the strict kind of father she has (and you know I did!) I know what she's going through. I wasn't quite ready for boys at 11 but when I did get ready and dad was forbidding it, I just found a friend that didn't have the strict parent. Or snuck around.

    But please have that talk soon. Don't try to scare her about boys but make her aware (because a boy will tell you he loves you and he's different and a girl REALLY wants to believe it).

     

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