Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Trouble With Blogs

I always look at your eyes. They give it away…all the time. If you are mad, happy, or disgusted, your eyes will let me know. Beautiful brown subtle eyes. I watch them for affirmation, I watch them for acceptance. I knew something was wrong.

I sat there that night oblivious, I held the baby as he continued his frustrated attempts to communicate. I babbled right along with him, I figure if my babble sounds like his babble he might think we are talking. I look at my wife, her eyes dart to miss my gaze. Oh shyte what have I done!

The baby boy distracts me with a less than baby like fart. I laugh and try to catch my wife laughing also.

She isn’t!

She sits with the laptop carefully studying the electronic images, or words… not distracted.

“You want a movie tonight, we can all sit up and eat popcorn and watch a movie?” I ask out of desire to watch a movie, but more so a medium to gauge the situation.

She barely opens her mouth to mumble, “No…”

“Okay, well, lets put the baby to bed and go through some old CDs!” my effort is good, the follow through a tad bit shallow, “What is the name of the last song on Bell Biv Devoe’s album? That shyte was my jam, I know I have the CD down here somewhere.” I hold the boy football style as I move towards the set of built-ins.

“Nope, I’m not in the mood” Her words are, pale if words can be pale. Not transparent though, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Her eyes followed the lap top brightly lit screen.

I watched her a moment longer. No outward signs of inner stress. She was ice. She was cold. I was in trouble. Not that I am suggesting that I could ever get in trouble. I am a grown man, independent, except for the love I feel and need to feel from my family. However, I am not stupid enough to think that getting on someone’s bad side does not have repercussions, so in other words, I was in trouble.

“How about we sit in the atrium, drink some wine?” My suggestions have now turned to begs, I am not pleading to do anything, I am pleading for her to talk, do something. Don’t be mad, or tell me why you are mad, the impending doom, is killing me. I marshal this comment to myself quietly.

“No! Give me the baby, I am going to put him to bed!” She shoves the laptop onto the coach beside her as she marches towards me. I offer him up, as a sign of peace and she jerks him from my arms and moves toward the baby’s room.

I can’t break the thoughts running in my head. What did I do? Why is she mad! I hear water running. Damn, she is pissed. I hear the boys brief but vocal displeasure at getting his nose cleaned. Phuck, I don’t get her, never do, never have. We have a tight friendship, a close bond… a bond that…bonds….bonds…BONDS!!!!

It all comes together for me; the images flash in my mind kinda Usual Suspect, Momento, Sixth Sense and Frailty like. BONDS! The Laptop, her displeasure!!!!
MY BLOG!!!!!!

I had been checking comments on the laptop earlier. I guess I left the screen up! Damn, she had been reading my blog. My inner most thoughts, my private confessions, my stories of the past. Stories and words crafted together to bring out feelings, urges, understanding.

SideNote:
Well, truth is it wasn’t like I was hiding it. I mean I wasn’t trying to keep it from her. I explain, and explained it like this. I didn’t like my writing at first. It had no style or appeal. My funny wasn’t funny, and my serious was…not funny. I even stopped writing for a while. But I never did this blog with the intention of hiding it from her. I just didn’t think it was good enough, it didn’t merit conversation. Well as of late, I think it has been getting better. I think I found my stride, and I started walking. I fully intended to present her with a compiled somewhat redacted version of my work here. One day, don’t know when but not too far off in the future.

So instead she tripped up on it instead, by herself, with no explanation, no story context, no foreword by the author. And of all the post she had to read, she had to digest
bonds as the first one…damn!

She was mad!

I walked into the bathroom and hugged her. She rejected me! I hugged her again, she pushed me away, as she pushed away tears. I reached for her but again I was rejected.

“Do you love her” Softly between quite sobs, “Do you have feelings for her, things I need to know…anything!”

She wasn’t angry she was hurt. I single handedly sabotaged myself, my life, my relationship. How would she ever trust me again?

SideNote:
No, don’t get confused, stay focused. The blog is/are stories, romanticized recounts of past events. My life before her, and some of my life with her. They show, or should show in the end a growth, and better yet a reason for growth. Why I changed, and what changed me. My despair was not that she was reading the stories, the entries, my issue was…well keep reading.

“No absolutely not, that isn’t even possible. I wrote that trying to express a feeling, trying to show how a great/good friendship can develop from a volatile past. I wrote that to discuss bonds and explore that one.” I explained, with passion and fluidity, I felt shyte was on the line and my words were my only refuge…solace…rescue.

She motioned for me to be quite, she didn’t want my daughter to her us talk.

Again, you got to see why I love this woman; she is still more concerned about my daughter than she is about jumping my azz. I continued none the less, mostly because I was scared not to. Silence and time drives weeds. Yeah, weeds can be removed, but they never seem to really go away, when you least expect it, and are at your most vulnerable, the weeds will sprout up and take shyte over.

So I talked, we talked. I explained and she listened. She spoke, and I heard her. Then I truly got it. I truly understood what was in her heart and in her mind. So now I post!

I hurt her! I dissolved a little bit of the trust we have between us.

I sit on a wealth of talent called creativity, humor, and incite. I very rarely take full advantage of this gift. If you know me, you know that personally I am this person you read when I write. But most people don’t know the layers beneath that. The layers that never feel accepted. The layers that pride themselves on making it alone. The layers that stand steadfast and turmoil and despair. I never let those layers out. I usually turn on a joke, quip, or banter instead of suggesting that something more goes on underneath. But when I write, if you read carefully, I am in essence expressing much much more. Those stories are there for a reason, and they all mean something, even the raunchy ones. It is more than merely laying bones to rest. On this blog I have expressed layers of me that most people have never seen.

All save for one. One who knows my layers. One who accepts me for who I am and who I could be. One who admires my independence but can embrace and nurture me despite it. One who stands beside me in turmoil and despair, without fear or trepidation. My Bond with her starts at my heart and ends with my soul. Nothing replaces that.

So, I erred. I screwed up. I did something so silly and simple. I discounted first and then withheld an interesting and now important part of my life from the one person that is my life.

Yeah, me and wifey are okay. We sit in understanding a mutual respect. And honestly she probably wont read this blog ever again. But when I write she gets the first edit.

22 Comments:

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Msnhim said…

    I can see why she would be upset and I think its great that you guys talked it out and are fine..... But if My husband had a blogg like yours..... thats a whole other story.LOL

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Blogger Closet Owner said…

    Why? Okay maybe I would do a question and answer kinda post.

    I will have one up on Monday. I need to get the answer to this question!

     
  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger onecoolhoney said…

    You know...when I first started reading your blog and found out you were married, I wondered if she ever read it and if not how she would feel if she hadn't already. I had a man once who would talk about his pre-me escapades on a forum and reading that stuff cut me to the quick every single time until I finally turned the tables on him. He posted a question once...something about what was the best sex members of that forum had ever had and how long it lasted. They all responded in "hours" duration. The longest was maybe a weekend. I wrote that the best sex I ever had lasted for 11 years--with my ex-husband--and then I described simultaneous orgasms and other stuff I knew he did NOT hardly want to know about. He didn't understand why that stuff he was saying bothered me so much since it was before me, but after I SHOWED him, he understood perfectly.

     
  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger P said…

    I'm speechless.

    And you know that's like getting R. Kelly to fall in love with a woman over 30.

     
  • At 3:47 PM, Blogger Brotha Buck said…

    Oh man. Been there, done that, and she won't read mine either!

     
  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger African girl, American world said…

    Wow! I saw that coming but am glad that she understands,
    well now you know why I don't have my old blog anymore :(

     
  • At 7:14 AM, Blogger Blah Blah Blah said…

    Sucks!

    I can understand her point of view.

    Glad you too have the lines of communication open. You talked through it and came to some sort of agreement and understanding...

    Not quite sure how I would feel if HE had a blog that I didn't know about.... hmmm, I got a blog HE doesn't know about.

     
  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger The Princess Herself said…

    Ummm. I don't think I get it.

    What about all the posts where you say how much you love her?

    Yeah, I guess I would be a little pissed, too. In part because of the content but mostly about the secrecy. Finding out stuff like that is a shock to the heart sometimes.

    I guess I am on the fence about it. Yeah, I understand her pissed-off-ed-ness but damn..can a brutha have some private thoughts? Blogs are so theraputic!
    You love her, and we all know it!
    Just help her understand that this is not here to hurt her! Women need reassurance about stuff like that regardless of how much you think she already knows.

    Good luck with that..
    and to Ms. CO...welcome.

    *and thanks for the advice, man. I appreciate it, and everything is straight!*

     
  • At 4:30 PM, Blogger muffin said…

    look what i've been missin! well i hope everything is all good with you and the wifey! yall be easy!

     
  • At 11:17 AM, Blogger Honey-Libra said…

    Glad you all took the time to talk than to let emotion ruin something wonderful.

     
  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger Me said…

    hum..hope everything works out

     
  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger Honest said…

    Yikes! I guess blogging is a part of all of us and not letting someone know that we blog is like keeping a secret even if it's unintentional.

     
  • At 9:15 AM, Blogger Dee said…

    I'm really sorry 2 hear that!!!!! REALLY!!!!

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Reflections said…

    Well although I can see why she'd be upset about not knowing you had a blog at all in the first place, I think I understand why you chose to approach it as you did initially. There needs to be that space and freedom to be able to express your thoughts and feelings when you write, and that's something you just don't get when you know your wife's going to be reading what you've written! Still at least now she knows, hopefully understands and doesn't hold any of it against you, so keep up the good work, think you write brilliantly!

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger sj-the-infamous said…

    wow....i am always amazed at the interactions and situations that blogging brings forth in folks offline lives....

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger That Girl Tam said…

    I know a bit about what you're going thru...Mack kinda tripped out on me after reading some stories about my sexcapades when we weren't together and wasn't too pleased...then started reading the blogs that I frequent and started reading all the comments to see what I had to say. Needless to say, it started a LOT of fights. But he now understands that my blog is for MY feelings...to vent in a forum where I am not judged (cuz you know I don't giveafuck bout what yall think on the real). I hope the book P sent you helps and I hope that her wounds heal quickly...

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger That Girl Tam said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Serial_Dater said…

    My blog gets me into trouble. Current and past trouble (lol). Welcome to my world. ;o)

     
  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger Rhema said…

    Be careful, men really don't understand the trust issue with women--quite frankly once you shave away any of the trust points, only an act of G-d himself can get them back. She'll still love you, and live with you, and make love to you. But in the back of her mind....

    I love your blog--so fresh and honest!
    Be blessed!

     
  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger Ms. Behavin' said…

    Bloggin' can get you caught up... Sooooo, I guess you don't come around these parts anymore??

     
  • At 5:06 PM, Blogger The Princess Herself said…

    The TROUBLE WITH BLOGS is that you dont update yours. Come on man..your hiatus is OVAH!

    To Mrs C.O: Can you let your man off punishment please? Thanks.

     
  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said…

    We miss you...this is ThatGirlTam btw...I had to MOVE - my shit got me into trouble too 7/28/06

     

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