Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Boyz to Men...How to tell the difference.

In my travels and times, and most recently my travels on the Internet, I have been a strong supporter of men’s rights.
To properly put it, I defended the sanctity of man-hood while womankind attacked it on all fronts. The media fueled myths and stereotypes that women and the main stream bought as a whole. So me, being the champion of lost causes, would always stand up for men whenever and wherever they were lambasted.

I didn’t nor do I now suggest that all men are good. I don’t know all men so I cant speak for them all. What I can say is that all MEN are different and if he is truly a MAN he will have outstanding character traits that are embedded in most men.

So why do I still see such prevalent accusations of wrong doings and outright lunacy. The culprit usually being some guy who is reported to be a man.

Men…the men that I grew up with, the men that I knew were responsible, upright, and strong. Who the hell were these nutz that women often refer to as men?

Closer inspection and hindsight focused the wide pandemic into a narrow spectrum, suitable for causal analysis. I discovered what the problem is. MEN are getting blamed for what our woeful younger counterparts on the chronological time scale are doing. I imagine that once its been said it seems so apparent. And the really clever part is that all MEN were once boys, so it becomes even stickier to differentiate. But don’t feel bad if you messed up in the past. People have made this time and time again in the past, mistaking boys for MEN, the problem is that it is happening on a much larger scale than ever before.

Blame not yourself. After I discovered the real problem, boys pretending to be men or women not recognizing boys, I turned to my old categorizer of all information (aka the Internet) to see if something was available to help sort the two. To my dismay not a single book, website, or blog was devoted to this topic. I could not find a University funded study, or privately financed research that shined even a glint of understanding in the direction of this menacing problem.

So to that end I have come up with a list to aid all women. This is list is designed to help you determine if you have a man or not. This list is also helpful for men who may be in doubt and need to tighten up there game.

*This list is not foolproof, and so use at your own risk*

You know he is a man if:

1. He gave his momma back her house.

2. He has a child that he publicly claims as his
a. He pays support
b. Or he is the Primary care giver.

3. He has more than two pair of shoes…(not tennis but shoes)

4. He listens when you talk
a. Or he acts like he listens when you talk
b. Or he at least looks in your direction when your mouth is moving and
sounds are coming out.

5. He calls his friends, “friends” and not “His boys”

6. All his friends have real names and real jobs
a. Pookie and Ray Ray should be Paul and Raymond by now.
b. Hosting First Fridays is not a real job

7. He understands that to you can be a hustler and have a real job too.

8. He can hug you without grabbing your ass.
a. He must still want to grab your ass!

9. He brings you around his friends
a. He must still show you affection, and not treat you like one of the gang.
10. He does not turn his cell phone off or on mute
a. Not at night, not at all…

11. He slowly makes love to you.
a. With the TV off, music up, and lights low.

12. He has told you the following at least once or twice without raising his
voice.
a. “I am not going to say this again”
b. “Don’t worry, I will handle it”
c. “I am not interested in what your friends, mother, or my boys think”

13. He “Handled it”, and you didn’t have to worry.

14. He holds you at night without trying to have sex.
a. He must still want to have sex!

15. You can go out with your friends and he wont call more than twice.
a. One call every 3 hrs…but don’t come dragging your ass in at 3am.

16. He can cook and clean for himself but he does it for you and your
children.

17. He reads the Dailey Newspaper
a. Not just the sports section.

18. He has hobbies outside of watching TV and drinking.
a. Nothing wrong with drinking.

19. He reads or has read books
a. It takes commitment to read a book.

20. He has at least two suits.
a. And they both fit.

21. He looks you in the eyes.

22. Your life is better with him.

23. He never asks you to perform oral sex.

24. He never stops until you are finished.

25. He loves you and you know it!

Please add more if you like. The best examples of manhood will be highlighted in a future blog.

SideNote:
A brother need not have the entire list.

I have worked out a scale, please judge accordingly.

25-20 Real Man!
19-15 Got some Man in him!
14-10 He thinks like a player or he is whipped!
09-05 Mommas Boy!
04-00 He pees sitting down!

Monday, January 09, 2006

At Home

The boss is gone for two weeks.

My wife asked me if I was going to work today. I told her maybe for a little while. (A little white lie) Then she asked if I wanted to watch the baby?

Silence fell in the dimly lit morning air. The tension was thick, I was aware that my entire week of freedom depended on my answer to this politely posed problem. I wiped the remaining Cat Dukey from my eyes and retained my stoic pose and responded, ”COOL”

Then in a complete 360 my wife says, “No I better take him, I don’t trust you.”

I should be pissed or mad by that statement, but alas it is the truth. I am a hell of a dad…with children that can speak, walk, and follow orders. Man my skin crawls with the thought of little man balling and me not knowing what the hell is wrong, or what to do. Nah, I will save the parenting until little man is much older.

In the mean while, the boy is going to play! Anybody at home for the next two weeks, I will drop buy and we can get drunk in the middle of the day. All I will do is sit back and kick it today.

Okay maybe I am not going to play all day; I have made a “To Do List”.

1.Rake up the leaves… I live in South Louisiana, so yes the leaves are really just falling off the trees.
2.Call Mr. Smith…He is looking for lawyers; I might be a good fit at his firm.
3.Call Mr. Blanche…see above
4. Find some of these new damn stamps…..I think that they should honor the old stamps until brothers run out. I can’t find 2 cent stamps anywhere, and I am to ship to over post my mail.
5.Mail some bills
6.Balance Checking, Savings, and side account that is still a secret…Shhh
7.Cook Chicken Soup…I never told you guys that I can cook, I am a real renaissance man feel me!
8.Buy Groceries…See above
9.E-mail the boss…keeps her busy…I e-mail her and I establish the tone of the 2 week trip.
10.Pay Cell Phone Bill
11.Call on settlement in a case in the 18th JDC…My little side hustle.
12.Call Troy about settlement on case for Ms. J….My little side hustle prt 2
13.Send in Baby Girls Private School Application…No time to explain!
14.Return light bulbs and get new ones that fit…I got the regular base instead of the candelabra base.
SideNote….
I hate Wal-Mart…trailer trash, condescending, sever periodontal dieses having, 6th grade education, employees treat me like I stole some damn $1.67 light bulbs.
15.Buy Batteries…???
16.Scrubber for kitchen sink
17.Get Hole in tire plugged
18.Practice my Guitar… I am teaching myself to play. See I told yall I was a renaissance man.

With this list I hardly think I will have time to relax. Besides sense I am writing this blog yall know I am swept up into blogverse and I aint going to do half this shyte.


Holler.

******EDIT****EDIT****EDIT****EDIT****EDIT*****
OKAY, SORRY, I GUESS SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DISCUSS THE UNDERWORLD TODAY... IPROMISE YOU IT WILL BE THE MAIN TOPIC OF ON TUESDAY...

To that end if anyone wants to share a tantalizing, tid bit, of a titty getting bit please feel free to share... ClosetOwner@yahoo.com