Skeletons in my closet

The silent running dialogue that I often have with myself.

Friday, March 10, 2006


I stood with my hand on the doorknob. I was steel and ice ran through my veins. A dull distant thump repeated somewhere in the distance.

My gaze narrowed, I intentionally focused.

A dull distant thump repeated somewhere in the distance.
What do I say, hmmm...what do I do...better yet what the fuck?!?!?!?!.

The distant thump maintained its syncopated rhythm. Where is that thumping coming from? Its mellow timbre further invaded my mind. Panic quickly replaced my calm. The thumping increased, in both rate and volume. My eyes flit but for a moment. Seconds roll like minutes then hours. The distant thump now moves close and begins to dominate the landscape, towering over my empty mind searching for thoughts. What the fuck Thump, thump, thump, its on me now… my heart beat!

I unconsciously briefly focused on a bead of sweat as it traced the ridges of my spine before disappearing into the area between my left and right ass cheek. This was how shyte was going down. This is how ya boy would end. I was new to the game but not that new. I figured that a carefully chosen phrase, mixed words, a glance and a quip could skillful retract me from this impending situation.

"Well, who is it for, it aint mine. Shyte you are tripping, I’m OUT"

Was that it…was that all I had to say. Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned. Well, I just burned this bitch beyond scorn. My sweaty hand failed to turn the knob quickly enough. She pounced!

Okay….maybe I should give you a little background at this point. Long time ago, I started writing about my life. The voyage was a long penned one so I decided the clever thing to do would be to break it into bight size morsels for your entertainment. This is the fourth part of that series which as of now has six parts. As I write, I remember more things, and the story gets longer, but I guarantee each portion sheds some crucial light on ya boy. So if you are lost please catch up…. My Life Part I, My Life Part II, My Life Part III.

I drew back, franticly clawing at the doorknob. Oh shyte, I just new I was going to have to peel this chics wig. (Yeah, I know, don’t really sound like me but it was a different place, a different time, a different me.)

“Please Closet, think of us, think of our future, think of our family” she begged as she sprawled on the floor grabbing my ankles.

Oh how far the mighty have fallen, this shyte was pitiful. Nevertheless, still passing on an opportunity to be chivalrous I kicked her off and defiantly strode out the door. Next came my biggityness!

“Damn girl, I said stop tripping. If you are pregnant it aint for me. What I look like having a child with you. I am way to young for kids. See, its that kinda shyte that makes me not want to be with you! Dangone!” I amped up my performance as her sister entered the room. I was an ass for sure, I know…I knew it then, but I was young and foolish.

I stood over her as she lay on the ground sobbing. I continued my rant with showmanship and style. I was an azz.

Towards the end of my torrent, the environment changed. The temperature seemed to chill quite a few degrees, the source of this climatic change? During my tirade, and macho performance it appears a calm and peculiar demeanor had settled over Ms. 29. Her icy glare sent me back. She still cried but her tears turned from anguish to anger. I had over stayed my welcome and overplayed my hand. Now it was really time to bounce.
I hit the door and jumped into my auto. I peeled the drive with laughter in the bottom of my throat. I had dodged a big one. Or so I thought. I looked in my review mirror as that little set of trouble fell into the distance. I still didn’t get it. I wouldn’t allow my mind to ask me the questions that needed to be asked. What if she is pregnant? What if it is yours? What the hell are you going to do?

I had about two weeks of trouble free days. I say days because my nights were racked with dreams and fitful sleeps. I saw my child with her in several different settings. My dreams depicted a handsome son being natured by his mother to visit harm on me. The dreams were evil. I had to do something, but I didn’t know what. But I should have known that Ms.29 had the game afoot the whole time. She could and would get me back I just didn’t know it.
I was good. I mean my life was good. I was in an apartment with my best friends since middle school. We were all in school on the yard. We all considered ourselves big pimpin. We smoked big weed and drank. Life was good! We threw parties every other weekend, parties that eventually devolved into weed smoking sessions. During these sessions we often had open, frank, and weed induce conversations. Truth had a way of coming out.

My BOY: Say whats up with you and Ms. 29. She aint be calling are tripping lately. You finally dropped her or what.
Closet Owner: Something like that. We had a falling out. I put her on probation. She got to earn this dick!
All: Laughter
Associate: Well, I am glad yall not kicking it.
CO: What difference does it make to you! NIGGA!
ASSOCIATE: I am just saying, she called me up and well, I been banging it for like a week.
All: Silence

Damn, she had done the unthinkable. She phucked my partner! That bitch! How could she. That is the worse thing you could do to a man, is secretly let his friend hit. That shyte has the tendancy to make a young nigga uncool. I was on the spot. I needed a reply. The room was quite waiting for me to redeem myself.

CO: Shyte, that’s cool. Like Snoop and Dre say…It aint no fun if my homies cant have none nigga. Shyte I open the top so all my nigga can get a drink.

ALL: Hell yeah, CO is the man.

My Boy 1: Say dawg you think you could hook me up!

MY BOY: Shyte, I know I am next.

Associate 2: I would love to get at that too damn.
General discussions ensue about wanting to; trying to; hoping to; fuck my Ms. 29. Okay, I was done. This bitch had pulled the final straw. But I had to keep my cool. I had to maintain my grip on this situation.

CO: Yeah, it’s all good with the puzzy. But watch she claiming to be having this nigga baby. The more the merrier. Shyte that baby might be for one of all niggas already.

ALL: Silence

Shortly thereafter all the many offers to fuck were replaced by declines. I had regained my perch as top dog, even if my perch was tainted. I had managed to hold my anger in check, but that wouldn’t be for long, dis bitch would pay.

Part V...Monday I promise! But for now I got something really improtant to tell you guys. Okay, I aint ready to tell you all yet, give me a day or two. I am not trying to tease, its just sometimes I have to practice getting my words out.

I will say this, I do love getting your comments. I think that your comments, more than anything else, spur me to write, well other than this really strong desire to express myself. I have always been creative and looking for an avenue of expression. Maybe this is it! Maybe more is instore. So thanks for the kind words. I will say when you like my writing all I can do is give a big ole cheesey is a little to dark to blush.
So though you hate to hear it.... Stay tuned!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Coming Soon!

Coming this Friday.

A story that needs to be told.

A story that must be completed.

A story of one mans life.

Read in horror and disbelief at the shocking revelations that will shake you to your core.

Read in admiration as one-man triumphs over the natural forces of evil, natural forces that must sit down to pee!

Read in pity as one man falls victim to the trappings of femininity only to be utterly laid to waste by those very same trappings.

Ask yourself, “How can one man be so pitiful and ingenious at the same time!”

John Segal of GMA said, “ It was a celebration of life, and love, and living again, a definite must read!

Mike Porter of Seattle Times said, “I never thought a story could move me that way…I was wrong!”

Jean Landry of the Sugar Ditch Express exclaimed “Kudos!”

Adrian Helter of the Detroit Free Press announced “A true story of a boy becoming a man then that man becoming THE MAN!”

Mike Smith of the Lafayette Plain Dealer proclaimed, “I just can’t wait for the movie!”

Alfred McComb of the Baton Rouge Times, “That shyte was long, so I stopped reading. But later I read the rest.”

Greg Stein “Dat nigga was a bitch, but he cool now…what story yall taking about”

Stay tuned, all questions will be answered, all mysteries solved.


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Here I Be!!!

Theories regarding my demise are greatly exaggerated.

Like Cool Hand Luke…one of the greatest movies of all time… I shall endure the hardships that have been placed upon me.


Stay tuned, I promise this load of shyte will be worth every fragarant fraction of fecal foulness.

Blockbuster online is a joke…Netflix is the bomb.

My wife is the shyte…more on that later.